I started a new job at the end of November. It felt like a good time to try new routines, be more creative, and open the door for new habits.
So I bought a planner for work this year. I haven’t used a paper planner in a really long time, probably since high school, if not middle school. Back when they made you write down your homework assignments and have your mom sign on the date to prove you did it. I decided to try this again, as an adult, because I wanted to feel more motivated to think about timing and deadlines and how to get the most important things done each day. That’s my struggle. My to-do list will always be a mile long and I will always get incoming emails, but I need to prioritize the actual things that I know I have to get done each day. So that was my hope with this planner. I’m still figuring out the best way to use it.
I use my iPhone calendar app a lot, and I like that it reminds me of things, like giving my dog, Sadie, her monthly heartworm pill, and my friends’ birthdays, and doctor’s appointments, and whatever other personal events I have going on. So I really wanted to see how I could use this paper planner for work specifically. How to set goals around each of my days and weeks.
But what I want to talk to you about today are these motivational quotes it has on every page. Just reading them feels like a little burst of energy.
The quote for the January page is “Trust the magic of new beginnings.” I feel like that is obvious for the first month of the year, but oh, how it’s ringing true for me right now with my new job. As a newbie, this quote is a reminder to trust the process. Everything is unfamiliar – the people, the work, the clients, the processes. It’s been about six weeks and I feel that I’m just now starting to find my stride. I’m getting deeper into my projects and I’m taking ownership. I still inadequate most days, at some point, but sometimes, I’m getting the hang of things.
I’m new and I’m not perfect, but I need to trust that it will get easier. Because it will. I’ve started new jobs before, I know how this goes. I know that the beginning is always tough. When everything is different, it’s hard to feel like you can do it. It feels like everything you became so experienced at and so confident in, just went out the window. You used to walk around like you owned the place and now you’re the new guy. That’s never easy. But being the new person will come to and end. You won’t be new forever. You’ll learn a little bit every day. You’ll take a step up the ladder without even realizing it. You’ll gain back your confidence because you’ll be doing things and accomplishing things before you know it. You’ll be assigned tasks and you’ll check them off your list. You’ll start by asking a lot of questions, you’ll sound dazed and confused, and people will feel like they’re explaining everything to you again and again. But you’ll slowly ask fewer questions. You’ll start answering them when the next new guy comes in. You’ll have solutions and answers. You’ll dig deeper. You’ll dig in, gripping the ends of each day with confidence and authority.
The magic of these new beginnings is that it’s such a slow process that you don’t even see it. You don’t see the gradual change from ten thousand feet when you’re in the trenches every day just slogging through. The magic of new beginnings is that you won’t feel like a beginner for long. The deep breath you take each day won’t be one of bracing and steeling yourself for a struggle, it will be one of purity and preparation for a day of success.
The magic of a new beginning comes because you don’t know what that beginning will hold. The middle and end are familiar. They’re a piece of every day that has come before it since the beginning, building upon each other. But the beginning – that is a mystery. You don’t know what each day has in store yet.
Right now though, it’s still January. I’m still at the beginning. Every day is a flurry of emotions for me, at the beginning of this new job.
Every day, I wake up ready to face the day of work. But somewhere in my morning, a tiny thought crawls into my head, tiny as an bug, whispering, am I good enough? I quickly brush that aside, because my inner cheerleader and mentor says of course I’m good enough. I got this job and I know what I’m doing and I’m getting shit done. Nothing says you can do a job like actually getting shit done. That thought is enough to sustain me for the first few hours.
But then I get an unexpected email or a new task, or I am asked a question to which I don’t know the answer, and that thought creeps backs in, a little bigger this time. It lurks a little longer in the back corner of my brain. Like the bug has found a morsel of food to chew on for a bit, before he exits and takes it back to his home. I manage to push him out but not before he let loose a few more thoughts – I am an imposter. I don’t know what I’m doing. I tackle the email, I ask the questions, I figure more shit out. I can do this, my inner mentor chants. I am strong and confident. If I don’t know something then damn it, I can figure it out. She is fierce, that inner mentor. She puts that little bug in his place.
And then by the end of the day, I am exhausted. It’s been a hold your head high, grit your teeth, chin up, hold your breath, power through, fake it till you make it, don’t take no for an answer, get shit done kind of day and I have no idea what I’m doing. I have never done this before. I can’t do this. They’re going to figure out I’m a fake. I’m going to screw something up. They probably think I’m the worst at this job. They don’t like how I do it, they’re just too polite to say something, I’ll never be good enough I’m not made for this I can’t hold a candle to them They’re all so great at their jobs I’m so slow and inefficient I’ll never catch up I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this.
My inner cheerleader has given up. I get home and pour myself a glass of wine. I shut off the computer, scroll mindlessly through Facebook, and fall asleep early on the couch. Tomorrow will be another day. Tomorrow I will rise again.
Tomorrow will be a new beginning. Tomorrow I will conquer something I’ve never done before. My boss will talk me up on a phone call with a client. I will reach the end of my to-do list, maybe. I will have a great, innovative idea. My colleague will tell me I’m doing a great job. Tomorrow, I will see the magic of the new beginning. Tomorrow I will remember that we’re all new at some point, that being new lets me see with fresh eyes, that beginnings are opportunities. Tomorrow I will push the whispers back a little bit further and my inner mentor will be a little bit stronger. Every tomorrow is a new beginning. Just trust it.